Post by serranopoblano on Jun 12, 2021 21:54:11 GMT -5
SERRANO: Son of a saltine cracker!
Serrano Polano, the ambassador of Flavortown and Sultan of Spice, was not happy. No, he was not happy at all.
SERRANO: I’m not happy at all!
Pretty sure we covered that.
SERRANO: In fact, I’m all the way hot! Hey you, disembodied voice! Do you want to know why I’m not happy?!
Not really, but I have nothing better to do.
SERRANO: Some people might think that I’m unhappy about having to team with Rapture again, but that’s not it! The horror movie kid actually showed some flavor when he fought that guy who looks like he sits at the head of the table last week!
Oh, okay. I guess that’s good?
SERRANO: I’m not even properly pissed off over the fact that one of my opponents on Fallout doesn’t have a last name! So what if he wants to go through life just being known as Curtis? It worked for Cher, Slash, and most importantly, Emeril!
Do you mean the heavyset, French Canadian celebrity chef? That Emeril?
SERRANO: Of course that’s who I’m talking about! What other Emeril’s do you know?
Well, there’s Emeril Matusak, the mechanic who has a shop down the street. There’s an Emeril in my son’s English Comp class. Oh! This one time I went to “Thunder From Down Under” and there was a guy named Emeril who could tie knots in his…
SERRANO: I’m talking about the chef! Stay focused! Keep your eyes on me and preferably above my waistline!
Okay, but with that gut, it’s hard to tell where your stomach ends and your waistline begins…
SERRANO: The point is, Emeril has a very famous catchphrase. Maybe you’ve heard of it? It goes something like this….BAM! He shouts it out whenever he throws some spice on a dish or pulls something out of the oven!
Yeah, I'll just bet he shouts it when he pulls out…
SERRANO: Anyway, I don’t think it’s a coincidence that one of my opponents is using the name Bam! It’s clear that he’s stealing Emeril’s creative property and as such he has royally peeved me to the moon!
All the way to the moon, huh? Sounds like you’re pretty angry.
SERRANO: You can say that again!
Sounds like you’re pretty angry.
SERRANO: I wasn’t speaking literally!
Gotcha. So let me get this straight; you’re mad because one of your opponents is named Bam but you’re not mad that the other opponent only goes by one name? A gimmick which you credit Emeril with making famous?
SERRANO: Son of a...I hadn’t thought of it like that! Curse my scientifically logical mind!
I'm something of a scientist myself. So I guess now you have a reason to be double mad at both Bam Miller and Curtis. You’re welcome.
SERRANO: You beautifully disembodied bastard. Now I’m not only motivated to bring the heat to Bam Miller, but I’m starting to feel spicy about Curtis too! AAARRRGGGHHH! Those thieving bastards won’t know what hit them when me and Rapture hit that ring! They’ve made me hotter than hell, and they won’t like me when I’m hot! Get ready for Super Saiyan Serrano you discount Emeril wannabes!
With a jar of his own special mushrooms open in front of him, the chef continues to shout to the heavens as his kitchen staff stares at him in utter confusion and amazement. While none of them are brave enough to ask why he’s talking to an imaginary voice, they do share their concerns with each other.
SOUS CHEF: Uhhh...how many of the hallucinogenic mushrooms has he eaten today?
HEAD WAITER: He’s on his third jar. Stick around long enough and you’ll get used to it. Sometimes he crawls around on all fours and lifts his back leg to urinate on the table legs.
SOUS CHEF: Fuck me...they said Guy Fieri was eccentric, but no one told me he was this bad.
HEAD WAITER: Just a word of warning, when he acts like this and thinks he's that pro wrestler, Serrano Poblano, it's best to just go with it.
Guy Fieri shoves another handful of mushrooms into his mouth and starts giggling at the heavens like a embarrassed schoolgirl. In another thirty minutes, he will pass out and soil himself, at which point the staff will carry him to the alley so he can sleep it off. Fortunately, this will not be caught by the Project: Honor cameras, as they have no interest in Guy Fieri when there's a superstar like Serrano Poblano to document.