Post by cadillac on May 13, 2021 19:01:11 GMT -5
Cadillac Jackson Presents - Let's Slay Some Gosh Darn Dragons (uploaded to YouTube)
* EPIC rock music *
RANDOM DAMSEL IN DISTRESS: Help me! Help me! My village is under attack!
(Open on a shot of a random women in a tan dress and a wimple in front of a poorly animated midieval village. Even more poorly animate fire emerges from screen left, and from screen right emerges Cadillac Jackson, dressed in a polo shirt covered in tin foil, a Melissa and Doug foam knight shield, and a pool toy foam sword.)
CADILLAC: Whatist doth ales you fine, uh, maidan?
WOMAN: Help me please, dragons have descended on my village and are attacking my people! Sir, you look strong and handsome and good with a sword and handsome. You've gotta help me!
CADILLAC: Yes, I, the Handsome Knight shall slay thine dragon. Speakith to me, miss, it's thine dragon an adult dragon? Or an ancient dragon?
WOMAN: No, no even worse!
CADILLAC: Jumping Jeshosaphat, impossible! Doth thy speakith of an elder dragon? We're doomed, doomed... DOOMED.
WOMAN: NO... it's The Dragonslayers, "Hard Knox" Sam Steele and "The Prodigy" Michael Shaw.
* record scratch and Cadillac drops his horrendous middle aged accent *
CADILLAC: Oh those two goobers? That's what all the fuss is about? I'm not afraid of two guys who refer to themselves as dragons and talk about how they're dragons... But call themselves The Dragonslayers!
WOMAN: But you don't understand Cadillac! If their quick quips don't burn you, surely their impressive potty mouth and edgy cussing will!
CADILLAC: You listen here young lady, I'm only afraid of three things in this world. Losing my abs, Ozymandias, and ticks crawling into my ears while I'm trying to sleep: and unless they've grown a few extra tiny legs and like to latch onto the rear ends of dogs and deer I ain't afraid of Sam Steele or Mike Shaw. In fact, stand back, I'm going to save your village young lady.
(Cadillac walks valiantly off screen, and we cut to an unimpressive dragon costume not breathing fire on a fake digital building backdrop with poorly piped in screams.)
CADILLAC: HEY DRAGON. I'M CADILLAC JACKSON, AND YOU CAN ROT IN HELL, BUB.
(Cadillac kicks the dragon in the gut so hard that we hear the poor fellow in the costume exhale loudly. He then tossed him into the green screen, causing all the homes in the background to shake violently. Quick cut back to Mrs. Wimple and Cadillac returns with the head of the dragon.)
WOMAN: Oh Cadillac Jackson! You're my big strong handsome hero!
(The two embrace, and we fade into swirling white script that reads "The End".)
CADILLAC: ... We're not posting that Doobie.
DOOBIE: WHAT? Why not? We spent all frigging weekend on that!
CADILLAC: It looks like a God damn middle school computer applications project Doobie!
DOOBIE: BECAUSE YOU REFUSE TO SPEND MONEY.
CADILLAC: WE DON'T HAVE MONEY TO SPEND, DOOBIE.
DOOBIE: What do you mean we don't have any money? I know you came up short last week but we have all that money from your big pay per view win, right?
CADILLAC: Uh...
DOOBIE: ... You didn't... AGAIN??
CADILLAC: I thought it was fool proof this time! I was on a roll!
DOOBIE: You lost all our money betting on yourself against Lance Williams!?
CADILLAC: Not all of it Doobie, God give me some credit...
... I saved almost enough to pay rent this month.
DOOBIE: Jesus Christ...
CADILLAC: Sometimes you gotta bet on yourself Doobs, figuratively and literally! Look man, I know it's been a rough start lately, but I really think this is my moment. Pat and I almost got the job done against Emmy and TJ weeks ago, and now I know we have to chemistry it takes to beat The Dragonslayers. I know they're a full time team and I may think Pat is slightly off his rocker, but I really do think this is my turning point! Last week was a wake up call, I need to get my head out of my ass and start showing the world who Cadillac Jackson really is! And who he is not... is a guy covered in tin foil fighting you in a dragon costume.
DOOBIE: Fine, I won't take it off private.
CADILLAC: Good. Although I did like that catch phrase near the end, I feel like I've been missing one.
DOOBIE: What catch phrase?
CADILLAC: The one I said before owning the dragon!
DOOBIE: I'm Cadillac Jackson, and you can rot in hell, bub?!?
CADILLAC: Yeah! I think it'll strike fear into the heart of my opponents! All the big stars of wrestling had a sweet catch phrase, and I think that could be mine.
DOOBIE: It's corny as hell dude. Bub? Who are you, Wolverine?
CADILLAC: WHAT? No, it's cool! You don't know Doobs, you're too busy playing Chronicles of Narnia all day to know what people like.
DOOBIE: Chronicles of Narnia is a movie you dense buffoon, and look. We have almost one hundred comments on your video so far saying how stupid the catch phrase is.
CADILLAC: Well that's because everyone has horrible standar-- wait, comments on my video? I thought it was private?
DOOBIE: It is, unless I accidentally changed it to publi- OH SON OF A BITC-
So, things don't always go as planned, do they folks? I'm gonna shoot straight with ya, put my ego aside and be as candid as possible, cuz that's what Cadillac does. I thought that day one I was going to have the red carpet rolled out for me, and it was, because I purchased it and made it happen. However, I don't think it's a secret to anybody that I saw a far more illustrious career for myself when I signed with Project Honor. Now I'd love to say it's because of fluke wins on my opponents behalf's, blatant cheating, outside distractions, or any number of other 'excuses' that would allow me to blame anyone but myself. I'd truly love to say that...
CUZ IT'S THE TRUTH. Every single match I've ever lost is because of someone else, and at no fault of my own. I mean seriously, have you seen me in the ring? I'm a God damn Mozart in the ring, just minus the paint brush. I'm a prodigy, I'm an inevitability, and it's about damn time I started acting like one. Since day one that I stepped foot into Project Honor, I've tried my hardest to stay as modest as possible and what has it gotten me? It's gotten me left off Posters. It's gotten me locked out of arenas. IT'S GOTTEN ME MISTAKEN FOR SOMEBODY NOT EVEN ON THIS ROSTER. I've let all this CRAP go to my head, and look what happened, it cost me my shot at the X-Factor championship. Lance Williams? Dudes great, and he has a great look, but let's stop beating around the bush. Dude is as exciting as drift wood on the microphone. He's as one dimensional as a minus sign. He doesn't have an X-Factor, CADILLAC JACKSON has an X-Factor. I've got the looks, the talent, the voice, the intellectualablityness. We wanna talk about superstars in the wrestling industry? If ya'll stars than ya boi's a GALAXY baybee, because nobody can even come CLOSE to being the marquee name I can. I blew my opportunity last week, but I'm not about to do it again.
Pat the Postman. You and I have stood side by side once before, and while we didn't walk out with our hands held high, I saw first hand what you have to bring to the table. The destruction, the determination, the mail-room knowledge and experience. It's unparalleled. However, we did lose last time and as stated up top, we know I wasn't the one who dropped the ball. If I remember correctly, I belive a Hip Drip fell everyone's most beloved postman.
That's you by the way, Pat, you're the world's most beloved Postma- ANYWAYS. This time around I'm hoping that we as a team have been working on our flaws. I hope you're more focused Pat. I hope you've been working on your grit, your resolve. Me? I had a hang nail last time we tagged, so if that in any way hindered our partnership than my sincerest of apologies. But we got this. We're not up against sloaches by any means, The Dragonriders have shown textbook tag team prowess and are a full time team for a reason. But just because we haven't teamed more than twice doesn't mean that we're going into this match underdogs Pat. Because what the Dragonboys have in experience, tag them knowledge and trust in one another, we make up for in being extremely beautiful, incredibly talented, and the future of Project Honor. Plus, you're on the team!
Look ImagineDragons, I may be a little fired up and counting my kittens before the hatch, but I'm tired of being in the opening slot. I'm tired of being an afterthought. I'm tired of nobody knowing where Cadillac is going to be on the card. This is my wake up call, that while I'm already perfect in every way, hopefully from here on out my record matches that. I need this win to get me on the right path to achieve that.
And I'm not going to let you two stop me. If I have to beat you both by myself, then so be it. You two edge lords want to throw your cuss words around and have your cool hair cuts, go for it. Nobody's going to remember that. At the end of the day, theres only one thing everyone is going to remember. And that's...
I'm Cadillac Jackson, and you can both rot in hell, bub.
* EPIC rock music *
RANDOM DAMSEL IN DISTRESS: Help me! Help me! My village is under attack!
(Open on a shot of a random women in a tan dress and a wimple in front of a poorly animated midieval village. Even more poorly animate fire emerges from screen left, and from screen right emerges Cadillac Jackson, dressed in a polo shirt covered in tin foil, a Melissa and Doug foam knight shield, and a pool toy foam sword.)
CADILLAC: Whatist doth ales you fine, uh, maidan?
WOMAN: Help me please, dragons have descended on my village and are attacking my people! Sir, you look strong and handsome and good with a sword and handsome. You've gotta help me!
CADILLAC: Yes, I, the Handsome Knight shall slay thine dragon. Speakith to me, miss, it's thine dragon an adult dragon? Or an ancient dragon?
WOMAN: No, no even worse!
CADILLAC: Jumping Jeshosaphat, impossible! Doth thy speakith of an elder dragon? We're doomed, doomed... DOOMED.
WOMAN: NO... it's The Dragonslayers, "Hard Knox" Sam Steele and "The Prodigy" Michael Shaw.
* record scratch and Cadillac drops his horrendous middle aged accent *
CADILLAC: Oh those two goobers? That's what all the fuss is about? I'm not afraid of two guys who refer to themselves as dragons and talk about how they're dragons... But call themselves The Dragonslayers!
WOMAN: But you don't understand Cadillac! If their quick quips don't burn you, surely their impressive potty mouth and edgy cussing will!
CADILLAC: You listen here young lady, I'm only afraid of three things in this world. Losing my abs, Ozymandias, and ticks crawling into my ears while I'm trying to sleep: and unless they've grown a few extra tiny legs and like to latch onto the rear ends of dogs and deer I ain't afraid of Sam Steele or Mike Shaw. In fact, stand back, I'm going to save your village young lady.
(Cadillac walks valiantly off screen, and we cut to an unimpressive dragon costume not breathing fire on a fake digital building backdrop with poorly piped in screams.)
CADILLAC: HEY DRAGON. I'M CADILLAC JACKSON, AND YOU CAN ROT IN HELL, BUB.
(Cadillac kicks the dragon in the gut so hard that we hear the poor fellow in the costume exhale loudly. He then tossed him into the green screen, causing all the homes in the background to shake violently. Quick cut back to Mrs. Wimple and Cadillac returns with the head of the dragon.)
WOMAN: Oh Cadillac Jackson! You're my big strong handsome hero!
(The two embrace, and we fade into swirling white script that reads "The End".)
[off camera]
CADILLAC: ... We're not posting that Doobie.
DOOBIE: WHAT? Why not? We spent all frigging weekend on that!
CADILLAC: It looks like a God damn middle school computer applications project Doobie!
DOOBIE: BECAUSE YOU REFUSE TO SPEND MONEY.
CADILLAC: WE DON'T HAVE MONEY TO SPEND, DOOBIE.
DOOBIE: What do you mean we don't have any money? I know you came up short last week but we have all that money from your big pay per view win, right?
CADILLAC: Uh...
DOOBIE: ... You didn't... AGAIN??
CADILLAC: I thought it was fool proof this time! I was on a roll!
DOOBIE: You lost all our money betting on yourself against Lance Williams!?
CADILLAC: Not all of it Doobie, God give me some credit...
... I saved almost enough to pay rent this month.
DOOBIE: Jesus Christ...
CADILLAC: Sometimes you gotta bet on yourself Doobs, figuratively and literally! Look man, I know it's been a rough start lately, but I really think this is my moment. Pat and I almost got the job done against Emmy and TJ weeks ago, and now I know we have to chemistry it takes to beat The Dragonslayers. I know they're a full time team and I may think Pat is slightly off his rocker, but I really do think this is my turning point! Last week was a wake up call, I need to get my head out of my ass and start showing the world who Cadillac Jackson really is! And who he is not... is a guy covered in tin foil fighting you in a dragon costume.
DOOBIE: Fine, I won't take it off private.
CADILLAC: Good. Although I did like that catch phrase near the end, I feel like I've been missing one.
DOOBIE: What catch phrase?
CADILLAC: The one I said before owning the dragon!
DOOBIE: I'm Cadillac Jackson, and you can rot in hell, bub?!?
CADILLAC: Yeah! I think it'll strike fear into the heart of my opponents! All the big stars of wrestling had a sweet catch phrase, and I think that could be mine.
DOOBIE: It's corny as hell dude. Bub? Who are you, Wolverine?
CADILLAC: WHAT? No, it's cool! You don't know Doobs, you're too busy playing Chronicles of Narnia all day to know what people like.
DOOBIE: Chronicles of Narnia is a movie you dense buffoon, and look. We have almost one hundred comments on your video so far saying how stupid the catch phrase is.
CADILLAC: Well that's because everyone has horrible standar-- wait, comments on my video? I thought it was private?
DOOBIE: It is, unless I accidentally changed it to publi- OH SON OF A BITC-
So, things don't always go as planned, do they folks? I'm gonna shoot straight with ya, put my ego aside and be as candid as possible, cuz that's what Cadillac does. I thought that day one I was going to have the red carpet rolled out for me, and it was, because I purchased it and made it happen. However, I don't think it's a secret to anybody that I saw a far more illustrious career for myself when I signed with Project Honor. Now I'd love to say it's because of fluke wins on my opponents behalf's, blatant cheating, outside distractions, or any number of other 'excuses' that would allow me to blame anyone but myself. I'd truly love to say that...
CUZ IT'S THE TRUTH. Every single match I've ever lost is because of someone else, and at no fault of my own. I mean seriously, have you seen me in the ring? I'm a God damn Mozart in the ring, just minus the paint brush. I'm a prodigy, I'm an inevitability, and it's about damn time I started acting like one. Since day one that I stepped foot into Project Honor, I've tried my hardest to stay as modest as possible and what has it gotten me? It's gotten me left off Posters. It's gotten me locked out of arenas. IT'S GOTTEN ME MISTAKEN FOR SOMEBODY NOT EVEN ON THIS ROSTER. I've let all this CRAP go to my head, and look what happened, it cost me my shot at the X-Factor championship. Lance Williams? Dudes great, and he has a great look, but let's stop beating around the bush. Dude is as exciting as drift wood on the microphone. He's as one dimensional as a minus sign. He doesn't have an X-Factor, CADILLAC JACKSON has an X-Factor. I've got the looks, the talent, the voice, the intellectualablityness. We wanna talk about superstars in the wrestling industry? If ya'll stars than ya boi's a GALAXY baybee, because nobody can even come CLOSE to being the marquee name I can. I blew my opportunity last week, but I'm not about to do it again.
Pat the Postman. You and I have stood side by side once before, and while we didn't walk out with our hands held high, I saw first hand what you have to bring to the table. The destruction, the determination, the mail-room knowledge and experience. It's unparalleled. However, we did lose last time and as stated up top, we know I wasn't the one who dropped the ball. If I remember correctly, I belive a Hip Drip fell everyone's most beloved postman.
That's you by the way, Pat, you're the world's most beloved Postma- ANYWAYS. This time around I'm hoping that we as a team have been working on our flaws. I hope you're more focused Pat. I hope you've been working on your grit, your resolve. Me? I had a hang nail last time we tagged, so if that in any way hindered our partnership than my sincerest of apologies. But we got this. We're not up against sloaches by any means, The Dragonriders have shown textbook tag team prowess and are a full time team for a reason. But just because we haven't teamed more than twice doesn't mean that we're going into this match underdogs Pat. Because what the Dragonboys have in experience, tag them knowledge and trust in one another, we make up for in being extremely beautiful, incredibly talented, and the future of Project Honor. Plus, you're on the team!
Look ImagineDragons, I may be a little fired up and counting my kittens before the hatch, but I'm tired of being in the opening slot. I'm tired of being an afterthought. I'm tired of nobody knowing where Cadillac is going to be on the card. This is my wake up call, that while I'm already perfect in every way, hopefully from here on out my record matches that. I need this win to get me on the right path to achieve that.
And I'm not going to let you two stop me. If I have to beat you both by myself, then so be it. You two edge lords want to throw your cuss words around and have your cool hair cuts, go for it. Nobody's going to remember that. At the end of the day, theres only one thing everyone is going to remember. And that's...
I'm Cadillac Jackson, and you can both rot in hell, bub.
