Post by serranopoblano on Apr 30, 2021 12:10:05 GMT -5
Back on the road in his 67 Chevy Camaro Convertible, Serrano Poblano is in the search for new challenges in the ring and exciting new flavors in the kitchen. Having recently learned that he’ll be facing Pat the Postman in an epic dark match encounter, The Heater records himself on his dashboard Go-Pro.
Serrano: It seems that a decades-long feud is about to come to head! Since Julia Childs first appeared on television screens to teach the masses how to cook, celebrity chefs have had an unspoken rivalry with the United States Postal Service! With Julia’s book advertised around the nation, orders went through the roof, ultimately leading to the Postal Workers’ Strike of 1964! I guess those suckers couldn’t handle hauling all that extra weight around in their mailbags!
Serrano violently swerves his car around a semi-trailer, nearly taking out a motorcyclist in the process.
Serrano: Well the joke was on those stupid postal workers, because celebrity chefs now send their cookbooks through UPS and FedEx! Suck on that, government stooges!
He swerves again as honking horns can be heard in the background.
Serrano: Since those early days of the rivalry, it has been said that one day a great war will erupt between the mail carriers and the culinary artists. So now the world’s greatest wrestling celebrity chef meets the world’s greatest wrestling postman! It’s a main event anywhere in the world, but only those lucky fans who show up to Proving Ground early will get to see it! Deep in my bowels, I know that my meeting with Pat will be the start of that great war! I’ll finally get revenge on behalf of the saintly Julia Childs by bringing the heat to Pat the Postman! Well guess what, Pat! I’m gonna have a special delivery of my own when I debut the hottest genetically enhanced pepper the world has ever seen! This postman-killing pepper is so hot, that once I stuff it down Pat’s gullet he won’t be able to see straight for a week! He’ll be praying to the porcelain gods until he passes so much compacted red meat that he’ll finally be at the proper cruiserweight size for all those moves he does!
Another swerve, more honking, lots of middle fingers.
Serrano: This is the kind of match I need to give my career a boost! A win over Pat the Postman will catapult me into the stratosphere of culinary shooters like the late, great Wolfgang Hodge and Gordon Gotch! I’m gonna twist Pat like a tortellini, stomp on him like a Stromboli, and serve him up medium rare with a side of garlic mash! By the time I’m putting my chili pepper cheesecake on the dining table, he’ll be chopped, pureed, and flambeed, baby!
There is a near-collision as Serrano continues to swerve madly through the busy traffic.
Serrano: So until we have our date with destiny, Pat, I’ll be out here preparing the only way I know how...with cafes, canteens and concession stands!
Suddenly the banging sound of metal on metal can be heard as Serrano slams his Camaro into a guardrail, sending his Go-Pro flying into the air and bringing a sudden end to his promo.
Serrano: It seems that a decades-long feud is about to come to head! Since Julia Childs first appeared on television screens to teach the masses how to cook, celebrity chefs have had an unspoken rivalry with the United States Postal Service! With Julia’s book advertised around the nation, orders went through the roof, ultimately leading to the Postal Workers’ Strike of 1964! I guess those suckers couldn’t handle hauling all that extra weight around in their mailbags!
Serrano violently swerves his car around a semi-trailer, nearly taking out a motorcyclist in the process.
Serrano: Well the joke was on those stupid postal workers, because celebrity chefs now send their cookbooks through UPS and FedEx! Suck on that, government stooges!
He swerves again as honking horns can be heard in the background.
Serrano: Since those early days of the rivalry, it has been said that one day a great war will erupt between the mail carriers and the culinary artists. So now the world’s greatest wrestling celebrity chef meets the world’s greatest wrestling postman! It’s a main event anywhere in the world, but only those lucky fans who show up to Proving Ground early will get to see it! Deep in my bowels, I know that my meeting with Pat will be the start of that great war! I’ll finally get revenge on behalf of the saintly Julia Childs by bringing the heat to Pat the Postman! Well guess what, Pat! I’m gonna have a special delivery of my own when I debut the hottest genetically enhanced pepper the world has ever seen! This postman-killing pepper is so hot, that once I stuff it down Pat’s gullet he won’t be able to see straight for a week! He’ll be praying to the porcelain gods until he passes so much compacted red meat that he’ll finally be at the proper cruiserweight size for all those moves he does!
Another swerve, more honking, lots of middle fingers.
Serrano: This is the kind of match I need to give my career a boost! A win over Pat the Postman will catapult me into the stratosphere of culinary shooters like the late, great Wolfgang Hodge and Gordon Gotch! I’m gonna twist Pat like a tortellini, stomp on him like a Stromboli, and serve him up medium rare with a side of garlic mash! By the time I’m putting my chili pepper cheesecake on the dining table, he’ll be chopped, pureed, and flambeed, baby!
There is a near-collision as Serrano continues to swerve madly through the busy traffic.
Serrano: So until we have our date with destiny, Pat, I’ll be out here preparing the only way I know how...with cafes, canteens and concession stands!
Suddenly the banging sound of metal on metal can be heard as Serrano slams his Camaro into a guardrail, sending his Go-Pro flying into the air and bringing a sudden end to his promo.