Post by serranopoblano on Apr 30, 2021 11:19:53 GMT -5
Zooming down the highway in his bright red 67 Chevy Camaro Convertible, Serrano notices an incoming call on his cell. He takes his hand off the wheel to answer, turning on his speakerphone.
Serrano: Go for Poblano!
He recognizes the voice on the other end as that of his agent, Sal Goldstein, but with the noise from the wind and traffic, it’s hard for The Heater to understand what he’s saying.
Serrano: You’re gonna have to speak up, Sal! I’m on US 34 going 110 miles per hour! If I don’t find a shitter soon, this morning’s Anus-Blaster Breakfast Burrito is gonna turn my blue eyes into brown!
Sal on Speakerphone: I said, they just announced your matches for next week! They must think you’re the MVP cause you’ve got two dark matches! You're too hot for TV, brother!
Serrano: That's great news, Sal! So who are my opponents?
Sal on Speakerphone: Pat the Postman on Proving Ground and Val..*skrtz*..ie on Fallout!
Serrano: What? Valerie? As in Bertinelli? I haven’t seen her in months! She’s wrestling now?
Sal on Speakerphone: That’s *skrtz* said. Pat and VAL*skrtz*IE!
Serrano: You're cutting out, Sal, but that's fantastic news! I love Val, but I owe her an ass-kicking for saying my Jalapeno Smoked Trout and Ghost Chili Falafel Balls were crap! Speaking of crap, there’s a 7-11 coming up! Time to turn those Flavortown deposits into Browntown withdrawals! Ciao!
He pulls into the 7-11 without bothering to slow down, nearly taking out an elderly couple, before he brings the Camaro to a screeching stop in the parking lot. Then, performing his best Green Apple Quickstep, he races for the gas station door.
Moments later, Serrano begins to shoot his promo on his cell phone, while clearly still sitting in the 7-11’s community men's room. With beads of sweat on his forehead and his cheeks bright red, Serrano is either focused on his upcoming opponent or regretting the hot sauce cocktail he used to wash down his burrito.
Serrano: So, Valerie Bertinelli, we meet again. Maybe admitting my childhood crush on you was a mistake, but you were the bomb on One Day at a Time. I didn’t think you’d hold that against me…*ooh*... when I was your guest on Valerie’s Home Cooking, but it is what it is. If my spicy Falafel balls were a little too much for you to handle, just wait until you're choking on my Great Balls of Fire! By the time I’m…*ugh*... done with you, you’ll wish you were back on Touched By An Angel, cause these hands are straight from the devil!
Serrano lifts his fist so that it can clearly be seen, unconcerned with the wad of toilet paper he’s currently clutching onto.
Serrano: Hot In Cleveland? Give me a break! The Heater from Flavortown is ten times as spicy once that bell rings! I don’t know why you decided to step into pro wrestling, but there’s only room for one celebrity chef in combat sports, and you’re…*errgh*... looking at him! I may have come up short at Public Execution thanks to that moron, Rapture, but now it’s time for the Fallout…*plop plop splash*...and I'm gonna be dropping nuggets of wrestling wisdom all over you!
Next Door Neighbor: Hey! Can I get a courtesy flush over there?
Serrano: Yo! My bad, bro!
FLUSH
Just then, an incoming call interrupts Serrano’s promo. Failing to shut off his recording, we get a close-up of his inner ear as he answers the call.
Serrano: Go for Poblano! Sal? Yeah...oh...so it’s not Valeria Bertinelli? Who? Oh...Valkyrie...yeah...thanks, Sal.
Once again, he holds the phone in front of his flushed face to continue his promo.
Serrano: So it seems my opponent isn’t Valerie Bertinelli after all. It’s a new lady called…*huff huff*...Valkyrie. My bad. I’ll still kick Val’s ass next time I see her but first I get to wipe the mat with Valkyrie! See you on Fallout, toots!
Serrano sits the phone facedown on the toilet paper dispenser to finish his business, still not bothering to pause his recording.
Serrano: Holy moly, Stromboli! That ain’t right. I’d better call Dr. Hiney about that one.
He then picks up the phone and holds it in front of his face to close out his unplanned promo.
Serrano: Whether it’s Valeria Bertinelli or Valkyrie, if you can’t handle the heat, stay out of my kitchen!
Thankfully, Serrano finally manages to stop his recording, but not before we hear one final message for all of his upcoming opponents...
Serrano: And if you even think about binding me up, I'll pass you just like this Grande Chipotle Chorizo!
FLUSH
Serrano: Go for Poblano!
He recognizes the voice on the other end as that of his agent, Sal Goldstein, but with the noise from the wind and traffic, it’s hard for The Heater to understand what he’s saying.
Serrano: You’re gonna have to speak up, Sal! I’m on US 34 going 110 miles per hour! If I don’t find a shitter soon, this morning’s Anus-Blaster Breakfast Burrito is gonna turn my blue eyes into brown!
Sal on Speakerphone: I said, they just announced your matches for next week! They must think you’re the MVP cause you’ve got two dark matches! You're too hot for TV, brother!
Serrano: That's great news, Sal! So who are my opponents?
Sal on Speakerphone: Pat the Postman on Proving Ground and Val..*skrtz*..ie on Fallout!
Serrano: What? Valerie? As in Bertinelli? I haven’t seen her in months! She’s wrestling now?
Sal on Speakerphone: That’s *skrtz* said. Pat and VAL*skrtz*IE!
Serrano: You're cutting out, Sal, but that's fantastic news! I love Val, but I owe her an ass-kicking for saying my Jalapeno Smoked Trout and Ghost Chili Falafel Balls were crap! Speaking of crap, there’s a 7-11 coming up! Time to turn those Flavortown deposits into Browntown withdrawals! Ciao!
He pulls into the 7-11 without bothering to slow down, nearly taking out an elderly couple, before he brings the Camaro to a screeching stop in the parking lot. Then, performing his best Green Apple Quickstep, he races for the gas station door.
Moments later, Serrano begins to shoot his promo on his cell phone, while clearly still sitting in the 7-11’s community men's room. With beads of sweat on his forehead and his cheeks bright red, Serrano is either focused on his upcoming opponent or regretting the hot sauce cocktail he used to wash down his burrito.
Serrano: So, Valerie Bertinelli, we meet again. Maybe admitting my childhood crush on you was a mistake, but you were the bomb on One Day at a Time. I didn’t think you’d hold that against me…*ooh*... when I was your guest on Valerie’s Home Cooking, but it is what it is. If my spicy Falafel balls were a little too much for you to handle, just wait until you're choking on my Great Balls of Fire! By the time I’m…*ugh*... done with you, you’ll wish you were back on Touched By An Angel, cause these hands are straight from the devil!
Serrano lifts his fist so that it can clearly be seen, unconcerned with the wad of toilet paper he’s currently clutching onto.
Serrano: Hot In Cleveland? Give me a break! The Heater from Flavortown is ten times as spicy once that bell rings! I don’t know why you decided to step into pro wrestling, but there’s only room for one celebrity chef in combat sports, and you’re…*errgh*... looking at him! I may have come up short at Public Execution thanks to that moron, Rapture, but now it’s time for the Fallout…*plop plop splash*...and I'm gonna be dropping nuggets of wrestling wisdom all over you!
Next Door Neighbor: Hey! Can I get a courtesy flush over there?
Serrano: Yo! My bad, bro!
FLUSH
Just then, an incoming call interrupts Serrano’s promo. Failing to shut off his recording, we get a close-up of his inner ear as he answers the call.
Serrano: Go for Poblano! Sal? Yeah...oh...so it’s not Valeria Bertinelli? Who? Oh...Valkyrie...yeah...thanks, Sal.
Once again, he holds the phone in front of his flushed face to continue his promo.
Serrano: So it seems my opponent isn’t Valerie Bertinelli after all. It’s a new lady called…*huff huff*...Valkyrie. My bad. I’ll still kick Val’s ass next time I see her but first I get to wipe the mat with Valkyrie! See you on Fallout, toots!
Serrano sits the phone facedown on the toilet paper dispenser to finish his business, still not bothering to pause his recording.
Serrano: Holy moly, Stromboli! That ain’t right. I’d better call Dr. Hiney about that one.
He then picks up the phone and holds it in front of his face to close out his unplanned promo.
Serrano: Whether it’s Valeria Bertinelli or Valkyrie, if you can’t handle the heat, stay out of my kitchen!
Thankfully, Serrano finally manages to stop his recording, but not before we hear one final message for all of his upcoming opponents...
Serrano: And if you even think about binding me up, I'll pass you just like this Grande Chipotle Chorizo!
FLUSH