Post by Masters of the Tooniverse on Nov 23, 2021 21:21:03 GMT -5
Archimedes J. Manson
in
SWIPER, NO SWIPING
We fade in on the Archie’s Asylum crew hanging about inside the SATIRE. Good thing it’s bigger on the inside than the exterior dumpsterness shows. Everybody’s doing their own thing and likely making incredible strides in narratively canonically creating different spaces inside this ship(?) to be used at later dates.
That is, everyone but Archimedes J. Manson.
It would seem that our insane protagonist type is sprawled out on a giant plush ballsack. He looks bored out of his mind, even while rocking his “Spice Spice Baby” Serrano Poblano halter-top (Now Available in the Project Honor Merch Store!) and Daisy Duck Duke shorts. It's a choice. Good? Bad? Archimedes.
Skipping and pink hair lead the way for the arrival of Olivia Gardan! She flops down next to Archie's legs and just sprawls because that's what platonic life partners do to each other.
"Whatcha' doooooooin'?" Olivia's bored too it seems.
"Uggggggggggh. Nothing! Absolutely nothing!" Somehow Archimedes manages to sprawl even more and ends up upside down on the giant ballsack so that his head is next to Olivia's.
The two look at each other for a long few moments.
"Bored Now!" "Bored Now!"
Both Olivia and Archimedes forgo the jinx moment in favor of just sighing with all the dramaticals of people that really don't want to be cooped up inside the SATIRE right now. Granted, Mz. Frizzelle did say that opening the SATIRE while it was in transit would spell certain death for the entire universe. All of them.
"I don't think we're gonna' be anywhere FUN anytime SOON." Archimedes cuts his eyes over in the direction of Mz. Frizzelle.
Mz. Frizzelle doesn't notice because she's busy knitting what seems to be a liquid quilt. It's confusing.
Anyway, Olivia sighs dramatically and even throws her arm across her forehead for added dramatic effect. "We didn't even stop for breadsticks."
"I know." Archie reaches over to take Olivia's arm and slaps it against his own forehead for dramatic effect as well. "SIGH!" And then his phone dings. "What the fizzle biscuits!"
Archie and Olivia both perk up as something interesting has finally happened.
"I don't know how you're getting service while we're traveling between dimensions but I don't care. Open the message!"
"Me either! Opening!"
We get a shot of Archie's phone which looks about as animated as can be. There's a big WRESTLR notification right on his screen.
"Oh! It's WRESTLR! I've got hot singles in my area!"
"... WRESTLR?" Olivia's confusion is paramount like pictures.
"Yes! WRESTLR. It's kind of like a dating app but more violent and for those of us in the professional wrestling community. It's exactly like Tinder in every way except that it's fictional and totally costs us less money than potential copyright lawsuits. Oh and instead of Swipe Right and Swipe Left, you Pin or DQ!"
"Noice. So what kind of singles are in your area?"
Archimedes J. Manson grins and looks at the camera. "This looks like a job for a Montage!"
Archimedes J. Manson is tea-bagging himself with the giant ballsack while Olivia's pacing back and forth with his phone.
"Okay. Ready?"
"As I'll never be!"
This is going to be a weird bit so just go with us on this journey, huh?
"Angelo Caito?"
"Ugh. Grossito. DQ!"
"Arata Asakura?"
"Ummmm. Anime hot. As a Weeb in training, Pin him!"
"Um... Archie? You're on here too."
"WHAT?!"
"Look."
"Oh. Well. Pin! Definitely pin! I wouldn't mind going a few rounds with myself."
"... You're so gross."
"That's why you love me, baby!"
"Casanova English?"
"He scares me in my happy place. Submission, rowr."
"DJ Hunter?"
"FROM FULL HOUSE?! PIN BABY, PIN!"
"Diana?"
"I wonder about this woman. HEYOOOO! Pin!"
"El Puma?"
"Ugh. They don't even have a Pic Base. DQ!"
"Emmanuelle?"
"Apathy's hot. Pin."
"Guy?"
"Yes, I am."
"No, you matched with Guy."
"It's okay! I'm Hilarisexual."
"... his name is Guy."
"Ohhhhhhhh! He's sure to level up any day now. Pin."
"Havoc?"
"Ehhhh. DQ. His face has already been splattered."
"Jason Long?"
"Oh! That's the one that looks like a pirate. I can't want to lubber his land. Pin!"
"John Blade?"
"Can't see him. DQ."
"Julius Fairweather?"
"He scary hot. Submit."
"KAYLA?"
"... that sounds like it's in all caps."
"It is."
"Weird. I'd still Pin though."
"Kyle Valentine?"
"I don't date dudes with holiday names. I'm allergic. DQ."
"Lil Pet--"
"PIN! PIN, ZODDAMMIT! PIN!"
"Alright, alright! Sheesh!"
"Insert Moan Sound Effects Here."
"... Oooookay. Malachite Minj?"
"Too hot to pretend otherwise. Pin."
"MYOJIN?"
"Hold X to Pin."
"Officer Greyfield?"
"Nyah! He'll never take me alive, see! Nyah! DQ!"
"Ozymandias?"
"I like his mask. It looks snug. Pin."
"Nananananananana..."
"Ratman?! Pin!"
"Rapt--"
"DQ!"
"But--"
"D. Q., Olivia. Just... DQ."
"Serrano Poblano?"
"Ghost Pepper Pin!"
"Skylar Ramsey?"
"Smack it up, flip it, Pin it down!"
"Slade Castle?"
"Pinish Him!"
"Swindle Shelldrake?"
"Didn't we already do a pirate bit?"
"Yes, but we can at least do it once more. Comedy follows the Rule of Three."
"Eh. I don't like to double up unless it's a D Cup."
Quick shot of Olivia looking down at herself. Frown.
"Eh, Screwy Squirrel it. Let's Pin this tall drink of Pink Lemonade."
"Syndicate?"
"DQ Bait. He's got that Prick Van Dyke beard thing going on. Lame."
"Tara Fenix?"
"Phoenix Down? Manson Up! Pin!"
"T.J. Thompson?"
"Somebody better get Shakira on the phone because I think I found her HIPs! Pin!"
"Annie Logan?"
"I thought we were doing this in alphabetical order."
"Well, whenever you post this, just make sure to move this one up."
"... Like I'm going to remember to do that."
"I'll remind you."
"Lies. Anyway, that hair is too high for this not to be a pin! PIN!"
"Constantine?"
"I'd rather not suffer a violent death by chopping. DQ."
"Douglas Crane?"
"That's the one with the crazy eyes, right? I kind of like 'em crazy. Submission."
"Jakeem Kobra?"
"The King?"
"Not Elvis."
"I know that! Just... what is he The King of?"
"The Ring?"
"King of the Ring? Okay. Like that's a thing."
Archimedes takes a moment to just look at the camera.
"Anyway! DQ! His implants look weird."
"Agreed. Johnny Levy?"
"PIN! PIN PIN PIN! GOLDEN PIN FOR THE GREATEST ACTOR OF ALLS TIMES!"
"Josh Conway?"
"Betty White would never forgive me if I picked a different Old Bae. DQ!"
"And finally! Last but not least! LeeAnn Morgan!"
"Too Fetch, Too Furious. Pin."
"Okay, that was a lot."
"Yeah, this montage bit was longer than I thought."
"That's what she said!" "That's what she said!"
"Maybe we should skip ahead to the next bit."
"Yeah. Cue Transition GIF!"
"Hello there!"
"My name is Archimedes J. Manson. The J stands for... Juicy Fruit."
"As far as I can smell, there's a lot of wild stuff going on this week. Us crazy Americans are celebrating the obliteration of the native race! But that's not even the best part. No, the best part is that after all that celebration and eating and arguing over political views and football, we get to SPEND MONEY! WOOOOO!"
"HOLIDAYS ROCK!"
"Now me? I'd love to spend some money. But all of my coins are locked up in the Goblin Bank in Diagon Alley because this fucking annoying ass plumber keeps stealing them. So until I can get my Nintendos switched, I'm going to have to act like I'm broke. That's where the Honorable Project comes in."
"For those of you that don't know, the Honorable Project is a timely tradition that's recently been created to help individuals like myself, get things for the holidays. It's an honor to be chosen for such a philanthropic event and I have all of you guys watching at home to thank. They don't let just anyone into the Honorable Project. You have to be pretty damn special."
"Or stupid. Whichever works."
"Now, the Honorable Project has given me a very special opportunity to join the other receivers of such love and adoration in a charity event called Mall Mayhem. I know it sounds kind of scary but in reality it's just an insane shopping spree where everything is on the Honorable Project's tab! If you can bag it or tag it, then it's yours. And I've got a Pocket Dimension that hasn't been feed since my last reboot. I'm going to love this event."
"Now, I've heard rumors that this is one of those events where anything goes. I'd be lying if I didn't say that was kind of scary. I mean, if anything goes then what's there left to come, am I right? I mean, if I remember the poster correctly, there's going to be like a ton of other winners running around trying to get all of the things."
"I better bring one of those cool electric scooter things with the basket on the front. That'll be pretty dope."
"I heard that there's a ton of like mystery prizes and stuff hidden around the mall too. Like so you can take whatever you want and also maybe get even more stuff from the Honorable Project."
"So anyway, I'm supposed to be saying something to my other runners or competitors or whatever they're called. I'm supposed to let you all know that I'm going to make it to the end. And that I'm coming out of Mall Mayhem as the bee's knees. The disgrace that'll be running the place. Or something like that."
"It's kind of hard to see my notes because I left my ring light in my other underwear, nevermind. I'll riff it."
"LISTEN HERE, BROTHERS AND SISTERS AND NON-BINARIALS! LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING RIGHT NOW! OH YEAH! I'M THE MEANEST, CREAMIEST, VELVEETA-IST SON OF A BISCUIT THAT YOU'LL NEVER SEE COMING! I'M GOING TO BREAK YOUR SPIRIT AND SELL IT UP THE RIVER FOR A SHINY NICKEL! I'M GONNA' POUND YOUR BUTTERMILK UNTIL THE LUMPS FLATTEN OUT! YOU DON'T WANT TO GET IN MY WAY COME MALL MAYHEM, HUMAN BEING! I'VE BEEN TRAINING WITH RERUNS OF SUPERMARKET SWEEP ALL WEEK BECAUSE THE REMAKE JUST DOESN'T HIT ME IN THE SAME NOSTALGIA SPOT! NO OFFENSE TO LESLIE JONES, I LOVE HER, BUT IT JUST DOESN'T DO IT FOR ME! SPEAKING OF DOING IT, THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID! SO ANYWAY, LET ME TELL YOU LOSERS SOMETHING ELSE. WHEN IT COMES TO MALLS, THAT'S WHERE I SHINE, BABY! I'M THE ORIGINAL MALLRAT! I KNOW WHERE ALL THE BATHROOMS ARE! THE EMERGENCY EXITS! AND I CAN SMELL A BOGO THE MOMENT I STEP INTO THE PLACE. AND YOU KNOW I'M SERIOUS BECAUSE I'M SAYING ALL OF THS IN ALL CAPS! AND ANOTHER THING, IF YOU THINK I'M LETTING ANYONE GET OUT OF THE MALL MAYHEM WITHOUT INTRODUCING THEM TO MY INCREDIBLY VIOLENT SENSE OF HUMOR THEN... WELL, THAT'S OKAY. COMEDY IS SUBJECTIVE. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT'S NOT SUBJECTIVE? CLIMATE CONTROL. SERIOUSLY, PEOPLE, DON'T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT. JUST KEEP IT ON 75. ANYWAY, THAT'S ABOUT ALL I HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THAT. JUST REMEMBER THAT MALL MAYHEM IS MADE FOR A MICKEY MOUSEHEAD LIKE ME! AND YOU JERKFACES ARE THE CHEESE!"
"RULES?! WHERE WE'RE GOING WE DON'T NEED RULES!"
"So yeah, that happened."
"I will say this. And you can take this as a warning or threat or a happy little coincidence. I'm not really sure what it is myself. But I'm a Top Tier Platinum Member at ACME. And for those of you that don't know what that means? Let me break it down for you. I've got lifetime access to ACMEzon Prime's InstaDelivery. I click, they ship and then it's on like I left the iron at home. You dig dug what I'm sayin'?"
"Black Friday. Mall Mayhem. The Day After The Purge. Call it whatever you want. I'm going to call it The Day Archimedes J. Manson Won."
"... it's a working title."
"Alright, it sounds like The SATIRE's landing so I'm gonna' have to wrap this up. I've got landing gears to pull and boobs to honk. It's a whole thing. I'll see you all on Friday."
"As always, my name is Archimedes J. Manson. The J stands for... JUSTIN SIMPERLAKE!"
"Bye-Buy-Bi!"